Where Did My Mental Illness Go?

It’s been missing for months

I’ve been smiling! (Photo by A L L E F . V I N I C I U S Δ on Unsplash)

If you told me a year ago that my illness would leave me, I would have called you a liar. I would have glared at you, veins standing out on the side of my head. I would’ve reacted that way because I’ve been the victim of false hope too many times in the past.

But now that I am depression and psychosis free, I want to throw a party!

Sure, I still have anxiety, but it doesn’t bother me much. I’ve been dealing with it without complaint.

What caused my illness to leave so suddenly?

How I feel

I haven’t had many good days since my childhood. There have been moments of pure joy, like when my children were born. But, poisoning it all was a blackness that covered everything. It’s a sad thing when the best times of life get ruined because I had demons in my head.

In December, I started feeling different. It was slow at first until some time in February when I woke up to find that I wasn’t depressed and I didn’t hear voices. The noise in my head was gone.

I cried that morning, head under the pillow so I wouldn’t wake my wife.

In place of the depression and voices was anxiety. It was a clean feeling — like my body didn’t know how to deal with itself without all the crap going on in my head. The anxiety stuck, but I was still so happy that I was tearing up all through the day.

I’ve been very emotional. Everything makes me cry. A few weeks ago, I saw this image of two elephants and bawled like a baby.

A picture was taken somewhere on the Indian highway. Two elephants reach out in a brief moment of love and bonding before being taken away from each other for a lifetime of serving man. (Source: Thinking Minds)

This stuff is still going on. I’ll be in the car, driving along, and start crying.

I’m convinced it’s my mind trying to deal with the absence of the toxic emotions it usually has to deal with all the time.

Why is this happening?

Since the start of February, I’ve been on a very aggressive writing schedule. I wrote 27 Medium stories and 12 blog posts in the 28 days of that month. Since the beginning of March, I’ve been writing two Medium stories a day. Sunday, I wrote three. I even managed to write a few more blog posts in there somewhere.

I’ve also been creating a hell of a lot more content for social media. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten to the video yet. But I’ve been creating images and graphics for Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Pinterest. I’ve been working on personal branding elements for all my social media accounts.

I’ve been busy! (Photo by @Matthew_T_Rader on Unsplash)

I’ve been busy! I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to complain, be negative, or have a pity-party. My mind is in constant motion. Instead of a preoccupation with angst and voices, it has creative problems to solve.

My mind is working at peak efficiency, and I feel more motivated than at any other time in my life.

Bottom line: I feel awesome!

Going forward

I plan to stick to the pace I’ve set. I am far from burning out. I jump out of bed every morning ready to create, and I go to bed at night with a smile on my face. I am smiling because I’ve been doing such a good job at hustling and being productive.

I am going to keep my mind primed for creativity by reading and absorbing as much information as I can handle.

I am going to continue taking my medication because it has a lot to do with how good I feel right now.

I am going to eat the right kinds of food and get plenty of sleep. I need to keep my brain nourished and rested.

I’m going to keep thinking positive so that my moods stay pleasant.

I am going to enjoy not feeling depressed and not having so much noise in my head. I am going to enjoy the remission for as long as it lasts. I’ll never know when the darkness will be back and how long it will stay.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but my wish is that it lasts for a long time. I hope I can continue being a damn good writer, husband, and father.

I can only hope!

Introverted essayist and creator- I am doing it my way and it might take a bit longer. Don't wait up! https://jasonjamesweiland.com

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