What Are You Gonna Do, Cry About It?

The experiment that almost broke me

Today is one of those days. Today I want to kick and scream. Today I want to complain about how life isn’t fair.

We all have those days.

I’m a very positive person, but not naturally so. I’ve taught myself to counteract the negative with positive thoughts. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it does for me.

But, when I woke up this morning, I decided that I wasn’t going to fight it. I know that sometimes, we should feel emotions — even the difficult ones. I don’t know if I am doing myself a favor if I candy-coat everything. If I don’t absorb and process what is happening in my mind, I’ll never get past it, right?

If I try to cover what I’m feeling with a sprinkling of sugar, I’ll never figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. At least that’s what some people are telling me.

Despite my mind telling me this is a mistake; I’m going to listen to the people who say that I am hurting myself with positive thinking. I’m listening to the haters who tell me I’m artificial, and I need to feel every emotion.

I’m doing it even though I know from experience that my emotions can kill me.

So I’m letting my mind run amok.

I’ve tried to focus and write about a subject I was thinking about last night, but I couldn’t get the words to fall correctly on the page. I decided to write about whatever comes to mind, so I apologize in advance if I jump from topic to topic.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

The anxiety has built to such a fever pitch that I’m finding it hard to breathe.

Deep breath — in through the nose, out through the mouth…

It’s hard to capture the thoughts as they race through my head. I’m worried. I worry if I write about nonsense, I won’t get curated. If I don’t get curated, I won’t hit my goals for the week. The stats for the week already suck because of all the platform issues on Medium this week. Views, reads, and claps are down dramatically.

I worry if I don’t reel in my mind and write something worthwhile, I’ll waste the whole day. I don’t know if I can afford a whole day of letting my mind do whatever it wants. I’ve gotten where I am today through control. When I have negative thoughts, I force them to be positive. When I don’t have the motivation to write, I force myself to produce.

I’m very tough on myself.

I feel weak giving control to my mind. I don’t like trying to function with so much unbridled emotion driving me.

I can’t focus. Every little noise is bothering me. I’m off-balance, and I just want to throw my laptop against the wall and rage against the unfairness of it all. I am hyper-sensitive, and every little thing makes me nervous and irritable.

My emotions are boiling. My stomach is upset and sick. I feel like I am going to throw up my breakfast all over my desk. I’m in a panic, and I can’t calm down.

I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like being out of control.

Photo by Luz Fuertes on Unsplash

The fail-safe I’ve sent up in my brain is kicking in. If ever I get too far out of control, a part of me takes over. That part of me that is cold and unfeeling. It’s my analytical side, and right now it’s locking my mind down like a prison block.

My emotions are trying to break free. They enjoyed their taste of freedom, and they don’t want to be shoved down into the dark again. The emotions thrive on the chaos.

My mind curled up in a ball in the corner, wishing for me to gain control again.

The strain on me is making me emotional, and I’m crying for no good reason.

I tried to allow myself to feel the negative. I didn’t try to push away the chaos with positive affirmations. I tried to experiment with allowing the trickster emotions to rule for a short time.

It was a complete and utter failure.

I traveled to the edge of panic because the parts of me that I keep in control were free to create chaos.

There’s no way I’ll ever let it happen again.

Sure, you may think that positive thinking is a gimmick, and I am hurting myself by not allowing myself to experience emotions — good and bad. You are welcome to live your life in anarchy.

I can’t do it. I don’t care if you call me a fucking Pollyanna. Being positive works for me, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

Hate on positive thinking all you want, but I am going to keep doing what works for me.

I would suggest you do the same.

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Jason Weiland is a writer, blogger, vlogger, and mental health advocate living a dream life in far-away destinations he only dreamed of as a kid. He talks about difficult issues but has never lost his sense of humor or willingness to understand others and help when he can.

He would love to connect with you on social media.

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Introverted essayist and fulltime YouTuber | Dreamer - I am doing it my way and it might take a bit longer. Don't wait up.

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