My Recent Near-Death Experience

There is nothing funny about the man-flu

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Last week, I almost died.

When I say I almost died I mean I had a sore throat, body aches, and a fever.

See how you are? You’re just like my wife, laughing at my pain.

If you notice, none of the guys are laughing because they know how it is. They know the horror of what it’s like when a man gets the flu.

I know that women don’t get the flu as bad as men, because when women are sick, they keep on going. Take my wife for example. She gets sick and still works and manages everything around the house. When I was sick, I couldn’t even move my head from the pillow. The most I could do was moan and hope my wife would bring me some apple juice.

I seriously must have slept for three days straight. I only got up to go to the bathroom and snap at my wife about how cold it was in the house. She understands because she knows I was sick, right?

I don’t understand the looks my wife gives me. It’s almost as if she thinks I am blowing this flu out of proportion.

I CAN’T HELP IT IF I’M DISEASED!

As I sit here drinking my coffee and looking back over the past few days, I know there were at least ten times I almost died.

The first was when I woke up and couldn’t swallow. If I hadn’t got up and drunk some water like I did, who knows what would have happened?

Even though I was dying, my wife didn’t help me at all. I mean, she did laundry and cooked. She took care of my daughter and managed her morning sickness. But, something as simple as rubbing Vicks Vapo-Rub on my back she couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do.

What am I, chopped liver?

I hope she saw how difficult life around the house is without my help. The funny thing is, she did everything without complaint. Life went on, unlike when she is not feeling well, and I am in charge, and the house is a disaster.

I wonder why that is?

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Why can’t science come up with a cure for man-flu?

It’s bad enough that they can’t do anything about the common flu (or, women’s flu, if you will), but don’t they know the manly version takes lives? Okay, so no man I know has ever died, but it sure feels like it. Isn’t that enough for medical science?

You would think that with everything that a man has to do, like misogyny and sexism, that we could get something done about this scourge?

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I know what I am going to do. I am going to send a letter to President Trump and ask him to do something presidential. I mean, he is doing something about that damn wall, right? Maybe he could even shut down the government over the man-flu. He could tell everyone that all the problems in his presidency were because of the flu. And fake news. And Hillary. You know, he could throw a tantrum when those pesky democrats won’t fund the research into a cure.

Trump could be known for three things then: lying, the wall, and the man-flu.

But, if Trump gets involved, no one will take the man-flu seriously. Look at how the whole world laughed at him when he spoke at the United Nations.

Maybe we need someone manlier. And Democrat. Like Robert DeNiro. He is much better. He could get up when he gives his next Academy Award speech and yell, “FUCK MAN-FLU!” and the world would cheer!

I need to get on the Twitter and start a hashtag. #fuckmanflu. My tweets could go viral, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez could retweet it, and everyone would support my cause!

Maybe not.

I think my brain is a bit damaged from the flu that ravaged my body for three days. You can’t expect a man’s body to go through that much and come out unscathed. Maybe I should go to the doctor. At least get my blood pressure checked. Yes, I definitely may have damaged my blood pressure.

Excuse me; I need to call my doctor.

Ladies, if your man or a man you know as the flu, please take pity on them. Life is hard enough for men these days without adding the flu.

We need your support. Thank you.

Written by

Writer | Essayist | Video Content Creator | Future member of the two-comma club | Dreamer - I am doing it my way and it might take a bit longer. Don't wait up.

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