I’ve Always Been Sensitive About My Weight
Revisiting past essays
I’ve always hated being fat.
Yes, I love myself. I went through so many years of self-loathing, and now, despite all my issues, I love myself unconditionally. How can anyone else love you if you don’t love yourself?
But I don’t like being fat.
I don’t like the way I feel; I hate the way I look. From a purely aesthetic point of view, I prefer a slim figure — as many people do. Don’t call me shallow, I know I should accept everyone no matter their weight, and I do, but if we are talking about preferences, I prefer to be thin.
I’ve been fat since the antidepressants pushed me into overweight territory in my later 30s, and I have hated every minute of it.
But, I lived with it for a number of reasons. Laziness; because it’s easier to stay fat than make lasting change. Years of prescriptions and my love of food make me resistant to losing weight, as do my thyroid issues and my diabetes.
But those are excuses, and if I wanted to do something about it, I would have long ago. But like everything else, I have to hit bottom before I do anything about it.
I finally hit bottom.
