I thought if I took a week away from work, and just immersed myself in books, reading, music, and movies, I would come out the other side with a greater understanding of what I should be spending my time doing.

By the end of the week, I was suicidally depressed and questioning everything I have ever known.

I cringe when I read my entry for yesterday, but it was truly what I was feeling. …

I spend a lot of time writing about the evils of toxic capitalism. If you asked me how to get rid of it, I may have said anything from “eating the rich” and breaking up the monopolies to redistributing wealth throughout the world.

Somewhere in there is always a need for revolution, where the government is overthrown and a new system is put into place.

But when you are talking about changes as big as that, you have to understand just who is in charge and who has the resources to ensure that they get to keep hoarding their wealth…

Why do I even bother?

I thought a week would be enough for me to finally get a handle on what it is that I want to be doing creatively. I thought I could also figure out a solution to the question of what I can do to earn more money.

So far this week, all I learned is that I (me) am the reason why I am so confused and torn and it makes those things seem a bit foolish right now.

There are few constants in my life. One is that as much as I would like my…

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Show a brother some love!

I’ve always been a frugal person, and by that, I mean I’ve always been broke, so I tend to be a cheapskate. …

I thought this #gapweek thing would be restful and invigorating, but instead, it’s turned into an exercise of futility. I live in a house where any kind of downtime is seen as laziness, and even something as simple as resting and enjoying a bit of music is cause for nagging and anger.

If I am not constantly moving or looking like I am doing something like work I am worthless, and the sad thing is, the voices in my head have taken it upon themselves to add their commentary.

Moron, loser, lazy, worthless, idiot…that is what I am now because…

I am sitting at a crossroads, unsure whether I should turn right, left, or continue straight ahead in the direction I’ve been going.

The dust settles — the engine idles.

Others pass going either direction, never stopping, seemingly sure with the journey they have chosen. Some have the GPS on and the cruise control set, others go driverless, at ease because they have all the time and resources they could ever want. Some fly pants-less, on fire, but sure of the direction they want to go.

Still, I sit, afraid to step on the accelerator and commit to a direction.

11:30 PM — My Desk

…

Growing up in the USA, one of my dreams was to travel. Unlike many smaller countries, the U.S. affords a place to get lost in and find mountains, oceans, lakes, forests, quaint villages, and wide-open spaces.

Sure, I wanted to see the world, but first I wanted to have an RV and travel all 50 states to see what there was to see. Sure, I’ve been all over the country in my life, but I’ve only ever seen enough to make me want to see more.

But I never got to do it. Closest I ever came was a 2-day…

I’ve been going back and forth about what I want the subject of my YouTube channel to be. It all started as a podcast, where I planned to read my Medium articles and essays and talk about what went into writing each piece.

But if Medium is any indication, nobody is interested in my writing except for me and my 10 true fans. I decided I would do a podcast because I had this bullshit idea that I was too ugly for YouTube, but I decided that, hideous or not, I really wanted to make video.

Then I thought I…